Bank Statement

What a surprise-
Is this a crack?
I opened my statement
It's in the black.

Feeling so much better
Feeling almost fit
Feeling so much more relaxed
Appreciating it!
My nuaghty bits are better
Well, almost, anyway
Lets hope the surgeon did the trick
'cos I'm feeling good today.

H.M.S. HERMES

Welcome home - soldier boy -
What a day you'll see,
Loved ones waiting on the quayside -
Friends and family.

The man from the Ministry wears a smile,
'A job well done', says he,
But he's not the one who breaks the news,
To the dead mans familly!







Her appointment was for half past ten
She arrived ten forty five
She crept to the foreboding desk
And whispered she’d arrived.

A withering look from Matron
(she’s in charge of times and dates!)
Who checked her watch and bellowed
Tut-tut, Miss Brown, you’re late.

She nodded humbly, found a seat
And waited for her turn
She tried to read a magazine
But her tum began to churn.

It seemed like hours she bit her nails
Whilst waiting for her name
Until, like a death sentence
Her announcement finally came

She tip-toed through the dreaded door
And tried to hide her fright
As doctor looked up from his notes
She blurted out her plight.

“ I think I need to have one out”
She managed to explain
The doctor took his glasses off
And looked at her again.

“ I’m sorry - what was that you said?”
The doctor looked quite pale
At last her flimsy courage fled
And she began to wail.

“ It was when he bought the chocolates
The other week on my birthday
I told him that he shouldn’t
But he had to have his way”

“ I’ll be more careful from now on”
(She gave her nose a blow)
“ My word, I’m in a dreadful state -
I think it’s got to go.”

“ I don’t care how you do it -
Just as long as it is quick
I’d rather have injection -
‘ Cos gas makes me feel sick!”

Matron heard commotion
Coming from within the room
Officiously she entered
In time to see the doctor swoon!

“ Mrs. Brown” - she bellowed out
“ There’s some misunderstanding
The dentist is the room next door
This is family planning!”

So the moral of this story
Is clear for all to see
Don’t confuse the coil with cavities
Like silly, shy Miss B.

I want to write a masterpiece -
To conjure up a dream.
My feelings are tied up in knots
I think I’m going to SCREAM!

July 6th

A family disaster,
A courtroom drama,
Stephen alone in the dock;
Mother sat fearful,
Tried not to be tearful,
But a fine was all that he got!

Quite how he made it,
We can't yet explain it,
But lucky he certainly was.
And now we just pray
That he'll find the righ way,
And make use of the chance that he got.

My apointment for 8.30
(arrived 8.15)
Being careful not to upset
The daily ward routine
By 9.30 I'm in bed -
Ready in my paper gown.
But it's gone 11.00 before
they finally wheel me down.

My broken heart lies shattered
While yours flies above
Mine can never love again
But yours can never love

MY LUMP

Tonight I am lonely- tonight I need a friend,
Tonight my many problems seem to have no end.
But tonight, like every other night, I sit here all alone,
And I guess I'll face tomorrow....Standing on my own.

Ode to Richard - The lost planet

A million stars still great me,
And a million stars can't cheat me.
Though your chosen star has gone from view
(It died - just as you love died, too!)
But mine burns bright and will see me through
One short of a million won't beat me.

'Oh, look at the moon' - I gasp with delight
At the great silver globe, glistening white.
Thank you, lord for letting me see.
Thank you, Lord, for letting me be ME.

PICASSO

I wish I were an Artist
So I could paint the things I see;
But I can only try and write
The pictures that are clear to me.

The Beaujolais Run

The beaujolais
Arrived today
amidst a hub-bub of fuss

There was a toast of course
at the white hourse
when it arrived on a vintage bus

The storm
(as viewed from my doorstep)

A flash of light on midnight sky -
The earth wakes from it's slumber;
And, trembling, waits in pensive fright
For the echoing bellow the thunder.

The world is good - I'm feeling great -
Sleep will not come - although it's late.
Again, tonight, instead of sheep
I'll count my blessings to find sleep!

Fickle Richard, he’s so unkind.
Wants me back, then changes mind.
Takes my heart and plays with it,
Throws it back broken in bits!
Foolish Rich, what has he done,
He’ll never know what could be won!

HOMEWARD BOUND

I’m sitting on the five to’nine
Which just for once, left right on time
It leaves Victoria with a groan,
To make the tedious journey home.

The sky outside reflects a storm
Though sitting here it’s fiarly warm
I sip my tea from plastic cup
And weigh my fellow travellers up.

The lady in the opposite seat
Wears scarlet shoes upon her feet
Scarlet cheeks and scarlet lips
Floral dress and spreading hips!

And seated just across the aisle
The housewife sits, with plastic smile
Reads ‘Woman’ magazine and worse
Has fake fur coat and vinyl purse.

Whilst sitting just across the way
The city gent looks tired and grey
In pin stripe suit and head bent down
He does the crossword with a frown.

Now we stop at Bromley south
More people enter, down at mouth
Spilling gloom upon the train
The whistle blows - we’re off again.

Seated beside me is a gent
His head is nodding, back is bent
He’s been asleep since Peckham Rye
Perchance he’ll sleep his station by!

The chap, there with his tie undone
Is reading page three of ‘The Sun’
Meanwhile the dandruff from his hair
Falls like snow flakes in the air!!

And in the corner sits the guy
With tailored beard and roving eye
He kids himself a ladies man
And seeks to prove it if he can!

At Rainham station out they pour
Each hurries home to his front door
And peace descends upon the train
As it rattles on through hissing rain.

Nearly home, one station yet,
Just time for one more cigarette.
Meanwhile my friend who takes his nap
Has almost rolled into my lap!

At Faversham I’m home at last,
The day, just like the train, went fast.
And huddled round the fire, I doze
To bring this journey to it’s close.

I long for you
I ache for you
I yearn for you
Sometimes I can almost taste you
I want to touch you,
To be near you,
To feel your body warmth as you stand next to me
I want to share your smile
To swim in your eyes
To trace your face with my fingers
To kiss your eyelids
I want to hold you, to kiss you,
To laugh with you,
To feel your body stir,
To make love with you,
To lay beside you,
To kiss you,
TO BE WITH YOU

One day I will be famous
And see my name in print.
Yes - one day I’ll be famous -
But until then I’ll be SKINT!!

Elated joys - and deepest depths -
I feel them all with no regrets.
For without first the taste of tears
We can’t appreciate the peace.





Today is a day I would much rather have misssed
But I kept my appointment with the gynaecologist
He pushed and pulled me and after some conisideration
Decided that I need to have a minor operation
To attempt to discover exactly what is wrong
For it seems, again, the flesh is weak,
Although the spirit's strong






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