Poems of 1980 and before.







Yorkies
I have a little problem
I'd like to share with you;
I'm mad about your Yorkies
And devour them two by two

One day, whilst in my boyfriends arms
I told him of my plight
I said "There's now't I wouldn't do
For just one Yorkie bite"

" Say no more" the boyfriend said
with a twinkle in his eye;
And when he bought my easter card
I melted with a sigh.

Of one thing I am certain,
Though it may sound quite absurd
I don't regret one little bit
That I should eat my words

So he moral of this story
Is plain for all to see.
Don't bother with red roses
Try giving her Yorkie




POSTCARD FROM WEYMOUTH

                      I’m having a marvellous holiday
                     And, gee, it’s great to just get away
                     On Saturday we left at ten past five
                     And were here on the beach by half past nine.
                     The camp has improved since we were last here
                      Instead of just orange - they now serve beer!
SATURDAY: The weather is good and I’ve got a red face
                      But the rest of me’s white and it looks out of place
SUNDAY: The weather is great and we’re all going khaki
                       If it goes on like this I shall look like a ‘paki’
MONDAY: The sun is out and the weather is swell
                       I’m red all over and sore as hell
TUESDAY: The weather’s fantastic - but I hope it stops soon
                      If it goes on like this I shall look like a coon (oops!)
                     The dog’s been good but is feeling the heat
                     She’s no trouble at all and is enjoying her week.
                     We’ve been to the club house most nights for a drink -
                     I dance rock in the ballroom than tap-dance in the sink
                     You know how I enjoy my vodka and lime
                     And I get quite frantic when barman shouts’ time’!
                     Tell Maureen I’ve not met any nice young men -
                     Just a few dirty old ones now and again.
                     I had a row with the barman, and threw quite a rage
                     Because he said young Roger was under age.
                    To night we’re off to the circus and fair
                     And if I play my cards right - I can lose Stephen there
                     Though really he’s been no trouble at all
                     Except when he crashed his head in the pool.
                      But all in all this holiday’s great -
                     If I’m not back at the weekend - I’ll be a few years late!!

Summer 1977


Dear Freddie (Laker),
Although you don't know me - I've something to say,
about my forthcoming holiday.

I hope you don't mind me writting like this
but I have a small favour, I hope you can fix.

I'm a merry young widdow, with a young son of ten,
and we're about to do something we may not do again!

For now that we've got all the decorating done
We're off to Tunisia for a fortnight of sun.

And on August the 18th - After a sleepless night-
We're off to Gatwick for our FIRST EVER flight!

Niether me, nor my son, have ever flown in a plane
and it's likely we'll not get to do it again

But my son is as thrilled about 'flying' away
As the rest of the darned pricey holiday

for he claims his ambition - when he's a young man-
Is to become the best pilot he possibly can.

And this is where, maybe, you can help, Fred.
Could you arrange for him to see the flight deck.

I know this behaviour just isn't done -
But could you bend the rules for a remarkable son.

For he's taken life's knocks (and he's had quite a few)
Yet, irrepressible as ever, still comes up smiling through.

(Forgive me if I seem a bit carried away -
This isn't at all what I wanted to say)

But I thought I would write and try and explain,
after all, they say nothing ventured - nothing gained!

Of course, I'll quite understand if it can't be arranged
and I know we will still have a good holiday

I hope you don't think I've an awful cheek
This is quit out of charecter - I'm usually so meek!

But I'll look forward to hearing your point of view
and keep fingers crossed that you'll bring me good news

Yours sinceraly

P.S. I'm sorry that this letter's been written in verse
It's not very good - but it could be much worse.

8.78

 
Full of aches - mysterious agues
and pains that have no bearing.
My heart is young - my spirit fresh,
but, oh, the body’s wearing


15.10.80

Mr. HARDY

Don’t lay there in bed
Feeling sorry for yourself -
Please think of us
And return to good health.

The toilets need cleaning -
The kettles not on -
The tables aren’t put up
And the toilet rolls’ gone!

The cleaners are sleeping
A child has been sick
The Headmaster’s weeping
Wailing “Please get well quick!!”

So please hurry back -
They’re all having a fit
The school really needs you
But it needs you back FIT.

Don’t come back too soon,
but come back
PLEASE.

C. 1978


MUM + DAD’S RUBY WEDDING

We had a little problem
Which we’ll now share with you
When we knew it was your ‘Ruby’
We wondered just what we could do

So we’ve got a little treat lined up
To make your day just perfect
It’s rather a long way to go
But we think it will be worth it.

So get yourselves all smarted up
Mum - go and get your hair done.
Your appointment has been paid for
And it’s booked for half past one.

And Mum - put your long dress on
Dad - your shirt and tie
We want you both to look your best
On this your ‘Ruby’ night

At six we’ll all be setting off
Intent on getting merry.
‘ Cos you’re the best - you’re Mum and Dad
So HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

1.7.80



To Terry + Gerry

Tom and Gerry live next door -
(Well, almost - anyway!)
And feed and tend Moses and Oscar
When I go away.
They also put up with my son
When I’m having fun
And this is just a little thanks
For all that they have done.






To: TERRY SCOTT

Adios! Bonsoir! Tatty - bye!
We bid you farewell and goodbye
May you soon return again
To your family and friends
And an overdraft that must be near the sky!

When you’re out there having fun in Bahrain
Think of Gerry chasing Andrew in the rain
Yes - you may complain it’s hot
But when the rain is what you’ve got
The thought of palm trees in the desert is a pain!

I’ve heard the natives can be friendly - in a way
And they only eat white men every other day!
So get out your sun tan fast
And go a khaki sort of brass
Or you may feel ‘cooked’ in an unexpected way!

And don’t be nervous of the long forthcoming flight
As long as the wings are tied on well you’ll be alright
And if the pilots a little drunk -
Well - he’s got time to sober up
And if not - hold your breath and pray with all your might.

I’ve heard that camels can be moody if they please
And sometimes will not get up from their Knees!
So if you’re not prepared to hike
You’d better borrow Barbera’s bike
Or better still - learn camel talk for PLEASE!

And I’ve also heard the hotels aren’t too swell
With running water ‘running’ in the well!
So if you feel sorry that you went
We could send you out a tent
That’s air-conditioned - and portable as well!!

Forget your grand ideas of harems while your gone
It really isn’t worth it - it isn’t very long!
No - no - you silly gent -
That’s not what I meant!
I meant your visit - once again I’ve said it all wrong!!

And while your out there sample sheeps eyes with pigs ear
It’s a delicacy their fond of so I hear
And your tummy won’t get rumbly
For you’ve no need to get hungry
For just look at all the sandwiches there!! (OUCH!!)

Well, in spite of all my warnings of despair
I’m sure somehow you’ll manage over there -
And if your not home in a month
We’ll send a party out to hunt
For the mortgage payments can’t be met with just thin air!!

TATTY-BYE.





BELGIUM

 I’m thoroughly enjoying this Belgium trip
In spite of the fact that I’m with fifty kids
The food is delicious (most nights fish and chips!)
The coach drivers nice but he talks with a lisp.
On the whole the kids are a pretty good bunch
They enjoy chips for breakfast, dinner and lunch
When told to wash for dinner, we heard one child say
“But that’s not fair - I only washed yesterday!”
The castle at Ghent, we all thought was fair
But I lost all my boys in the torture chamber there!
We then saw the Cathedral - the boys thought that a drag
They’d rather have spent what little money they had.
We saw the windmill at Sluis and went right to the top -
But a bigger attraction were the many SEX shops!!
One evening we watched Starsky and Hutch on the telli -
But it’s not quite the same with sub titles in Flemish!
Then we went to a pub and got a bit tight
But managed to find our way back alright.
With our shoes in our hands we fumbled for our keys
And we giggled so much we had to cross both our knees!
On the whole it’s been a marvellous trip
But I’d be fibbing to say I haven’t missed you a bit.
But it’s certainly easier since I’ve been away -
Yes..I don’t think I’ll go back.. I’ve decided to stay!






TOM + GERRY’S ANNIVERSARY
Well, my friends, your special day is here
And ten long years have passed
Since the day that you finally decided to wed
And made it all legal at last!

And if we some up the last ten years
I wonder what story they’d tell:
Terry saying “You should have thought of that”
With Gerry, “Didn’t I do well!”

The dulcet tones of Nana Maskouri
And Jack Jones smooth sexy voice
Were not who you crooned to ten years ago
It was twist and rock to the latest beat noise.

Who would have guessed, ten years after the church
That Gerry would be married to the ironing board -
And no-one could imagine on the day you were wed
Terry’d take the sting from his sword!

So what, if those ten years have taken their toll
And your waistlines have increased slightly
I know a good exercise to overcome that
And it’s best if it’s practised twice nightly!!

Now here I go - being crude again
And I promised myself that I wouldn’t
(But with things as they are - and me on my own
If I wanted to I certainly couldn’t)

But even if the years have been anxious at times
Remember, we all have our ups and downs
And you’ve three lovely kids to show for your toil
And a marriage that seems pretty sound.

So congratulations to you both
You’ve sailed through the first ten with ease
Your foundation is solid - go forward as one
And with each other face the forthcoming year.




Back to main menu r> You’ve sailed through the first ten with ease
Your foundation is solid - go forward as one
And with each other face the forthcoming year.




Back to main menu